White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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