also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
