I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
