I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's shark week go big or go home
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
