Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I checked into jail on foursquare
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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