Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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