Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
