I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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