I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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