I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
