I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
