I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
