well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
