Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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