we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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