You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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