I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
