and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
