i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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