Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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