Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My vagina is officially offended.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
