So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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