That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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