Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
