I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
