Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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