If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
