I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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