currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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