Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
