I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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