i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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