i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
