smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
