dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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