my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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