When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
