life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
