you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
