You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
