Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
