There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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