OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
