i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
