dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He passed out mid-signature
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
