Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
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he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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