I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.