We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
