She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
