cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA