Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.