nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
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I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
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We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?