I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night