based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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