There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
