Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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