dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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