'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
