Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
