eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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