WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
