After last night, I could never be a politician.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
